Not The Sun
by Dawnandspike4eva
Summary: I love you. I say as I touch her chin and make her look at me. And she looks happy. So maybe it will hurt for a while but in the end she'll have me.


_Spike_

She just sits there. All alone crying to herself and she doesn't even realize I'm standing here. Again she thinks it's all right to ignore me. Like she always does. Pushing me away because some reason unknown to me. I know I'm filth but she's never had a reason to push me away. Tells me I'm her best friend. It feels good to be cared for like that. For once not just some slayers forbidden fruit. But her little sisters best friend. And I guess she is my best friend. Is it okay to look at your best friend like a piece of meat? Cause she looks so good just sitting there. Crying. I hate it when she cries but she looks prettier then any women I've ever seen crying. She thinks she can trust me. Thinks I can be her safety. But I'm no safe bet, no I'm never sure of anything. Cause I can leave without looking back. She doesn't know that. Or maybe she does? She's just calm and reposed sitting by the head stone. She's like the blood in my veins. Because she's always inside of me. Like she dug her way in there without me even realizing. Her sister I chased after, pinned for, made myself want her for some sick reason. Dawn she got herself inside of me. Dug her way into my veins and I let her. Or maybe I did it myself. Who knows.

Nibblet looks like she wants to stop crying. And like she has no idea I am here. Standing above her just watching. She cries more then any women I have ever known. Maybe it's just that I've gotten use to the tears. Watching them grace their way down her pale cheeks. She doesn't hold it inside like her sister. But she doesn't cry in front of people. Wears her heart on her shoulder so their no reason for others to see her cry. They know she always wants to. I can seem to find out why she's always crying. What's hurting her. I can smell it, something inside her is burning through her. Tearing her apart, riping away at her chest. But what? Maybe someday if she tells me things will get better. Maybe the big bad can cure the little bit. She's changing on me. Though I still love her. Love her? What? No that's wrong I didn't mean that. I still adore her. From what she was to what she's becoming. But why would I think I love her. I can't love. Maybe I do. Because she is my best friend.

_Dawn_

Spike is standing above me just staring because he knows I'm crying again. He doesn't think I know he's here. Ridiculous. He tries so hard to be the good friend. But he doesn't understand that he can't. Because I can't be his friend anymore. I can't go through this pain. Not the way it is. Can't let myself rip apart everything. I love him. God, I love Spike. How Buffy can't see how perfect he is beyond me. I wish I could tell him everything. Wish he could love me. Wish it didn't hurt this much. Because everything hurts. It feels like when I move it's just to feel pain. Feel that the man I love doesn't return the favor. Why can't I get over him? It's not fair. People get over loving someone who doesn't love them all the time. So why can't I? Maybe Spike was right when he said that before.

"_I'm gonna tell you something little bit. You probably won't understand it, and if you do you wont like it. But it's all truth pet. You deserve to know. You see I'm good at reading people. And there's something in you I see that I have in me too. Everything you feel is stronger then everyone else. Your like electricity all the time. Every touch you feel is intensified, every time you love someone its intensified. But that also means every pain you feel is much worse for you then anyone else. So it's best you stop wearing that heart of yours on your shoulder and shield it. All right pet?"_

So maybe he was right. I feel too much. More then I should. And so feeling this love for him and him no loving me is worse then it would be for anyone else. Because I love harder and I feel pain stronger. I just wish it would stop hurting like it does. I wish I could make everything all right again. Like it was before when we were best friends. When all we did was tell each other stories. When I would tell Spike Buffy was an idiot and that she would come around. And he would tell me that when I was older the guys would be lining up around the block for me, and then he would say that they would all be bloodied and massacred on the ground cause he would have to have killed them, cause no guy is gonna look at his Nibblet that way and get away with it. I miss those days. Miss them like the ocean misses the moon. Like the flower misses the sun. Like the poet misses the rain. Like an idiot. Cause that's all I am. I once wished that I could stay like that forever. Before he slept with my sister. Before we became something else, something more complicated. Before I fell in love.

"Spike go away!" I hiss at him as try not to look at him.

"Oh come on Nibblet." Spike begs me as he sits beside me. "Tell big bad what's wrong."

"Let me ask you something Spike." I try to hold back the tears.

"Anything." He smiles it's fake.

"If you love someone. And they have no idea that you love them. And telling them would ruin your friendship because there is no way they would love you. Then should you continue living in torment, for what sad little shred of friendship you have. Or tell them everything and have them laugh in your face?" I know he wont realize that I'm talking about him. It's always about him, but he will never notice. Not me, not now, not ever. Because I'm just Dawn.

_Spike_

So it's a bloke she's always crying about. Never thought the Nibblet to be a women to cry over a guy. But I guess she isn't as abnormal as I thought her to be. Hell I always thought she would fall in love with some immortal demon or a vampire. Don't know why I just did. Cause she ain't nothing close to normal.

"Pet, whoever it is he would be a fool not to adore you." Adore, theres that word again. It seems to block the word love, cause I can't seem to say it, at least not on purpose. "But, it's always best to tell someone how you feel about them. Because you never know. He could feel the same way. And if not you can't live in constant pain like this it isn't good for your health." I try and offer her some comfort.

"So, even if I am sure he wont feel the same way. I should tell him." She looks at me finally. She hasn't looked at me since I got here.

"Of course pet. You can't keep things all bottled up inside of you." I put my hand on her shoulder gently. "And if he hurts you, I'll just have to kill the bastard." I smile and she chuckles at my joke. 'Cept it isn't the same chuckle I expect. It's laced with pain, and some inside joke I don't seem to get.

"Fine Spike." She looks at me with those innocent baby blues. "I love you." Huh?

_Dawn_

So I told him. But he asked for it. He told me to. Sure he wasn't expecting for it to be him that I was in love with, but I always listen to him. Always take his advice, not matter what. And he knows that. I look at him and he looks at me like I have leprosy or the plague or some vile disease like that. It's like a million tiny needles jabbing into every inch of my skin all at once. It's pain pure pain. I never thought pain could be pure. Always thought of it as messy. Wrought into some incurable shape. Twisted and bent into such a mess. That's what it was before. But now that I told him it's different. No longer a mess what I should and shouldn't do, cause I've done it. I've gone and told Spike of my affections for him. So now it's just pure pain. The kind that doesn't spin you in confusion, but it just makes you wanna die. Wanna rip those inside out so they can't hurt you any longer. Wretched things feelings are. Buffy always complains about being numb and wanting to feel alive. I just wanna stop feeling. Because everything just hurts. Aches. I'm like a pile of useless wreckage.

"So there it is." I attempt a contemptuous smile. But that's his job not mine. I can't hold contempt. "I love you Spike. Have for some time now. And it's killing me." I sigh and refuse to look at him. "It's sorta like the way you feel for Buffy accept far worse. Because obsession and love are much different. Obsession is sorta like a wanting for something. Love is a need." I try not to let it but a tear escapes from my eyes. "So I guess, I didn't take your advice this time. I wore my heart on my sleeve." I smile slightly. Because there's nothing else to do. But find amusement in my pain. Maybe someday I'll see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain. Or maybe I'll crash my ship bent to bits on the reef. And drown like always. And before he finds me my body will be cold. Because all he does is stare and watch me sink and drown. Maybe it's better because a funeral keeps both of us apart, and that's what he wants. Knows I need him like water in my lungs.

_Spike_

What the blood hell did she just say? Nibblet must be messing with me. She standing up now towering above me looking composed as she can. She can't be telling the truth. Just mixing up my thoughts so I don't know whats right or wrong. As I just stare she suddenly changes her face. It's goes from calm and composed. From fighting tears. To a sudden realization I can't figure out. She's crying again. Tears falling down her perfectly pale face. Beauty shouldn't hurt shouldn't cry, but she looks even more precious when she cries. Nibblet can't love me. But I guess that would explain a lot. The constant visits. The shy smiles when we already know everything about each other. The blushing when she walks in on me without my shirt on...or anything else. Maybe I was a fool not to notice. Then again I was a fool not to notice that I love her too. More then a vampire can love. More then my unbidden heart allows. Because I would give everything up for her. Even my addiction to her sister. Because she is love. Pure love. And all I can do is sit here and stare as she cries. Because I am a fool. And I'll watch her drown. Because I don't know what to say. Don't know how to rescue her. I know it would be wrong to just watch her hurt. But even worse to tell her I worship her. Because I am a demon. But I did always think she would love a demon.

I know I am an evil soulless creature and all I will ever do is hurt her. Use her. And if I used her it would only hurt her much worse then it does now. But am I selfless enough to stop using her? To set her free. No. I am selfish. And I will use her. Now that I know how she feels about me, I will take advantage of her week state. Like always.

"Pet." I stand up and walk towards her as she looks scared and confused.

"Please don't Spike. I can't take sympathy." She begs me. But all I can do is look at those perfectly shaped...lips. Damn I am evil.

"Shh." I whisper touching my finger to her lips. I grasp a hold of her and pull her into me.

"Spike?" She whimpers confused.

"You trust me right luv?" I ask with a sly smile, because I already know the answer. And I'm faking it just to keep her here.

"Of course." She promises. She is perfect. No matter how you sugar coat it. Her sister was flawed beyond belief. But this one. No shes perfection in its rarest form. Because she will do whatever what I ask her and still look beautiful doing it.

I lean in to place a kiss on her warm lips. Interlocking my cold mouth with her overheated one. She trembles under my touch. Whimpering little kitten like sounds. I move my mouth down towards her neck and place open mouth kisses on her flesh. She calls out my name weekly and at this I know I have got her. I know I always will have her. And I am satisfied. Cause I have won.

_Dawn_

I don't understand any of this. Because his is Spike. And I am just Dawn. But as his lips are all over my skin I can't help but give into whatever it is that is happening. I can't help but whimper his name. And I feel like a fool. Because he has me believing that he loves me. Maybe he does, maybe I can get what I deserve for once. So I just give into him. Let him trace his tongue along my skin. I feel like Buffy is even more of an idiot then I thought she was. How can you not want someone who knows how to make you tingle everywhere. Like this. I can't imagine what she was thinking.

Before I realize what is happening were in his crypt. It's cold and I realize that he knows I'm nervous. He always knows. Knows when I don't know what to say. Know when my breathing is off. But this time he doesn't try to make me calm down or make me go home. He's still tracing cold kisses on my skin. Wherever he pleases. And then I realize. What were here for.

_Spike_

She looks frightened, sorta like a little puppy when is brought into it's new home. She's so innocent that she had only just realized why I have brought her here. Sure it's not the most generous thing to do. Girl tells you she loves you. You realize you feel the same way, but instead of telling her you take her back to your place. Because I told her not to wear her heart on her sleeve. Too bad she didn't take my advice.

"Spike?" She shivers. "Spike please." Now she's begging and it's enough to make me stop and look at her. "What do you expect?" She asks her bottom lip pouting and quivering. Damn it now she's got me.

"Pet, you said you love me right?" I ask her. I am a cruel cruel man. Treating her like I am some asshole high school boy and she's being pushed into this. Like I'm making her feel guilty.

"Yeah but-"

"Then what's wrong?" I ask still pouring on the guilt.

"Spike, I'm still me. You know me. So don't treat me like one of your whores." What was I thinking. She's Dawn. She is far too smart for this act. Honesty is the only way with this one. Cause she can read my lies.

I smile graciously. "Fine." I sigh. "I love you. Now can we get on with it." I smirk.

_Dawn_

So it wasn't what I expected. At first he treats me like some foolish girl on prom night. And now he is telling me he loves me. Telling me like it's no news. Like it's nothing. Like I should just believe him. But he knows I know him. And I know when he's telling the truth or his tongue is twisting up the truth. Because I know him. And he's telling the truth. But it's empty. Like he doesn't want to. Because being with me wont hurt. Because I love him. And I will admit I love him. And I will be with him always. Because he likes pain. He wants the way Buffy treats him. Builds him up and then rips him apart. I could try to be like that but we both know I can't. I could never hurt Spike. He loves me, and he doesn't love my sister. Never did. Only knew that she could make love hurt. I only know how to give him everything.

"I believe you." I sigh.

"So then can we proceed?" He continues with the banter.

"Spike I can't be like Buffy." I answer as dryly as possible. "I don't know how to make love hurt. I can only give you everything I've got, even though it isn't much." I admit the truth as always.

_Spike_

Poor little kitten. Knows I enjoy pain. Knows I always have. But she doesn't realize it doesn't have to be my pain. It can be hers. Though I love her. I will tell her I love her. But the worse of it all. The pain. Will come soon enough. When I slip up and tell the scoobies about us being together. Because after tonight we will have been together. I'll tell them the truth, tell her I never meant to. She will believe me as always. And when they tear her apart. Tell her she's worthless and dirty. She will come running back to me with tears streaming down her face. I'll hold her and tell her they are all worthless. And she will become mine. I will take her from them. Which will cause them more pain then they realize it will. And she will be mine. And they will mourn over losing her to a demon. And I will laugh in their faces, because I will have corrupted the youngest Summer's women.

"Pet. Don't be a fool. I love you. I don't want pain anymore. Because I love you." I touch her chin and make her look at me. And she looks happy. So maybe it will hurt for a while but in the end she'll have me. And I'll will have her. No matter how much pain it causes. I lick my lips and prepare for fun to begin. Because I am all about fun. And pain.


End file.
